August 3rd, 2006

Things I Learned from Movies

1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

7. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

8. One man shooting at twenty men has a better chance of killing them than twenty men firing at one man.

9. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

10. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

11. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

12. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

13. If you try hard enough, you can outrun an explosion.

14. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river — or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

17. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

18. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

19. Computers never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

20. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off — even while scuba diving.

21. All watches and clocks are synchronized to the second.

22. No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

23. Nearly everyone speaks English, no matter where they are from. Even aliens from outer space, despite the fact they have never been to Earth, seen an Earthling, or even heard of Earth or Earthlings.

24. Any elevator will automatically go to your floor without pressing any buttons and take as long as your conversation to reach the right floor.

25. There will always be a doctor in a plane or building with the right medical supplies.

26. If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

27. Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son’s birthday.

28. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

29. Many musical instruments — especially wind instruments and accordions — can be played without moving your fingers.

30. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill — just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings — especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

32. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

33. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

34. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

35. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

36. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

37. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned partners who is their total opposite.

38. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

39. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds — unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

40. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind the person and talk to the person’s back.

41. 75% of all Americans live in either New York or Los Angeles. The remaining 25% that live outside those cities are violently racist rednecks, inbred hillbillies or separatist militants.

42. The entire British population lives in London.

43. All Australians live in the Outback.

44. Cars that fly off cliffs spontaneously combust in midair for no apparent reason.

45. If someone shoots a fully automatic weapon at you, running behind a banister or railing will ensure that the bullets hit only the posts.

46. Cemeteries generate their own weather. Usually rainstorms… and not just gentle sprinkles, but biblical downpours.

47. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition — even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.

48. People rarely use the bathroom, and if they do, they’re usually dead within minutes.

49. An electric fence that’s powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

50. You can always rely on your car keys already being in the ignition when you get in the car, but if it’s an emergency, you won’t be able to find the keys anywhere.

51. If you type a partial password on someone else’s computer, the system will give you additional prompts that will enable you to guess the rest.

52. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

53. Cats are spring-loaded and are most commonly found inside closets or cabinets that are equipped with doors that can’t be operated by cats.

54. Close blood relatives usually look nothing like each other, or have only a passing resemblance.

55. A monster can always sneak up on you, no matter how big or clumsy it is.

56. If you stick your head out of cover during a gun fight, it will never be hit, especially if you look backwards to hold a conversation with someone behind you.

57. No matter how catastrophic the disaster, pets will always survive it.

58. A cup of black coffee or a splash of cold water in the face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober.

59. A million dollars in cash or cocaine will invariably take up exactly the amount of space available in your briefcase.

60. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

**Compiled from numerous Internet sites**